So I was on Facebook just now. I requested an old high school classmate as a friend, and he accepted it. Looking on his profile, I believe he’s acting in Spain now.
You know, on the inside, though I try not to, I’m always criticizing others. I criticize their clothes, what they do, what they study, why they study that, who they socialize with, what their tastes are in anything. And the list can go on and on and on. And yet, for all my criticisms, a lot of these people turn out just fine. They end up with a cool life, or a good position at a job, or are married. So then, I just end up looking back at my own thoughts and my own life, and I think, “how does something like that happen?” How is it that I can so wildly misjudge a person? And how is it I can be so boring in comparison.
I mean, I’m talking about myself, someone who once wanted to take the stage and act, and perform, and study in NYU. I still want to study there, in fact. I did what I could, though, and stayed here to study acting. But then, in the end, my own dreams could not withstand the weight of obligations, and feeling like I needed to study something “worthwhile”. Looking back, I’ve realized that it wasn’t my dreams that couldn’t withstand life, it was my own lack of faith and lack of real support that couldn’t withstand it. People who become successful in what they like either have a lot of faith in themselves, or have a lot of people who believe in them. I had neither.
So, I guess instead of criticising myself constantly for what could have been, I just…I keep on going. I make decisions based on my failures and I learn from my had-beens and my dead ends and my mistakes. I don’t stop.
Still, maybe if I criticized less, I’d be a bit better off. Who knows though.
